Thursday, April 27, 2006
the time now is 912pm n i know i ought 2 b studying.
but let me tell U what. i dunno how 2 start studying ss. it's like, every1 was saying it's a need 2 memorise. but i thought understand can le?! if understanding, i'm okie with it. cos it's kinda logical. but talking about memorise, i'm soo dead. i sure cannot remember 1. n it's soo many topics, it's as if i got such a BIG BRAIN 2 memorise everything?! ermm.. really dunno how 2 start studying this ss.. arghh. hate it. but i shall make it fast, then start "memorising."
woke up not long ago. n had noodles. yucks, it's not tasty at all. then noodles is soo soft, dun even have 2 bite. =\ now having a little pain around my stomach, dunno why. the most scary thing was that i had diarrheoa this morning. it's like.. i really shit a lot. then thought i wun b able 2 make it 4 exams. wahh, was having cold sweat lorr. but i rushed. though was a bit late, but still alright bahh, i guess.
2day papers r.. i dunno. I JUST CAN'T CONCENTRATE. i dunno why. eng still okie. it's like wasting so many papers. as i kept wondering if i wrote the right format 4 my report. n 4 the essay, everything seems 2 b so hard 2 write. dun have those like.. personal recount. end up i wrote about childhood. guess i might write out of point. but i really tried my best. haii. =\ chi was worst. letter writing was.. alright. then 4 my essay, i wrote the 1st topic, about a day when U saw ur friends whom U had lost contact with, then what U guys do n how U feel. but end up i wrote crap. i wrote how i got at the resturant 2 eat n stuffs like that 4 intro. soo.. irrelavant. then i crashed the paper. i changed 2 writing a story about ur new neighbour. end up also dunno how 2 write. cos gotta write about their daily habits about hygiene i think. can't remember. means i can't write about them talking very loud all that. so i crashed the paper again. realise i left about only 40 min 2 finish my paper. i was very anxious at that point of time. so i end up writing about online blogging. the title was.."nowadays people use online blogging 2 vent their anger. what do U think." so i wrote lorr. quite a lot. but dunno can or not. ms toh was afraid i guess, when she saw me writing so little when there's soo little time left. it's like, i'm stuck at paragraph 2 when it's 30 min left. then she walked 2 me n stand there n c. well well, lucky i manage 2 finish writing. THE CLASS BSIDE US WAS SOO NOISY!!!! n i could hardly concentrate. but i tired. i wrote quite a lot. then i talked 2 ms toh after that. she said."saw U writing a lot. haiya, should b alright de." she thought i din finish at 1st. cos i told her damn hard 2 concentrate. she got a shock. =x finally everything's over. bleahh. whole class was like madd. every1 seems 2 has an urge 2 leave.
i gotta stay then. they left already. so went back 2 class since i gotta wait 4 an hr. then was doing the book. it was hard. even xiangling agreed. orhh, xiangling was bside me at that time cos she's trying 2 complete her dnt folio. she left around 115pm n i was left alone. soo sleepy. nearly fall asleep twice. went 2 office around 215pm. din realise it's soo late. the sch was soo empty without the upper sec.. hmm, so did chem outside the staffs' room. it was really stress. cos i blurr out. so hard 2 concentrate. after an hr, i was asked 2 go home. cos i looked sleepy. n i din realise that i was asking the same type of qns over n over again. i really din realise. it's like.. BLURR. then on my way back. really gonna DIE. reached home, n i fall asleep..
-haii. i really dunno when can i b happy again. i know i should care. but.. it's like.. everything wasn't like this last time. though i predict this would happen but i dun expect it 2 b soo fast n at this period. it's 2 sudden 4 me. n i got really tense up. cos here i m trying 2 concentrate, there they r.. haii. tues, that happened. all the broken pieces. now?! 6 became 5. he hardly come back n now he's saying no 1 bothers about him n he likes 2 b alone. i guess they had found out things about him that i realise long ago. well. he can't hide 4ever. he care no less. only care about her lahh. as if it's gonna b eternity. feel that it's soo unstable. n what he do is only mess my room up, well, what else n who else. everyday i came back home, i can't have a break. gotta pack what he had done. he's older than me, mind U. he can hardly b back. but feel that even he gets 2 come back, he often go 2 her house. so not much diff. i'm always alone in this room. or out. it's not only the stuffs gotta b broken. the whole thing gonna b broken. guess it had already been slowly breaking. maybe no 1 realise. well, i know what's happening soon.. why. ='((
9:13:00 PM
Monday, April 24, 2006
the time now is, 0100am.
just reached home half an hr ago or so, i guess. went king albert 2 study with marc n jas. i was not suppose 2 go out, but since it's studying, i went. the place is soo big. but it's hard 4 us 2 find a comfortable seat. well, after changing n changing, we finally got a nice cosy corner 4 us 2 concentrate. was doing math at 1st. but jump 2 chem. it took me soo long 2 recap chap 1-3. realise i need 2 really concentrate. then after dinner at mac, n shop around cold storage, i studied calculation. was really wondering, i tried doing the test paper again. i can do it without looking at the ans!! so what's wrong with me during the test?! BLANK OUT. haii. what if i blank out during exam?? i can feel the stress right now. n got anxious already. gosh. any medicine 4 this?! bleahh, i bet no. leave the place around 930 or so. walked 2 bukit timah market 2 ate something. STING RAY!! yupp. it's nice. but was really full after it. board bus 77 with marc while jas board bus 174. after a few stops, i asked marc,"hey, did U take my chem file?!" then he said,"huhh?? no?! i thought it was with U all along?!" i was shocked. thought he was trying 2 fool me at 1st. then i got very anxious. i told him,"i wanna get down of the bus at the next stop." he was saying not 2 bother. just leave it n photocopy everything next time. but i can't. i dunno why. just got very frightened n anxious. at that time, i dun care whether he'll get down the bus with me or not. i told myself that i must get back my chem file though it was really late n dark. but he did accompany me. we waited 4 a few min 4 bus. the road was dark. it's toh tuck rise, if any1 knows. it's really dark n around us, it's only trees, n forest. kinda scary. n no bus came, only a few cars in few min. we got very scared. thought were making lots of noise, but deep inside, we're soo scared. i started 2 wave 2 any care passby. but those driver just stare at us, then drive off. as if we ain't human. orhh well, dun blame them. so afraid there's no bus in service. so we took a cab there. cost me $3.50 2 get back there. well, LUCKILY MY CHEM FILE WAS ON THE BENCH. marc was calculating. he wanted me 2 return him money. cos i wasted his time here n there. so sorry!! n he said it's just a file. but i dunno why. it's really just a file. really dunno why i'll b soo anxious over it. took a cab some more. well, i'm thrifty. so must b miracle 4 me 2 took a cab. gosh. what's wrong. that's my natural reaction. n i dunno why. ermm, so we took bus 61 2 get back 2 bukit batok interchange. so he went off there. n i took a train. haii. finally i got back my file. blame me 4 being soo careless!! it was 11 plus when i reached jurong. then board the bus, n finally home. so tired. still wondering why i bother 2 get back my chem file. well, NOT BIAS. PLSSSS..
thanks marc 4 accompany me back. haiya!! spend a lot 2day. those unnessesary stuffs.
i'm soo tense out!! exams r coming real soon. n maybe bcos of
that, i'm soo scared of failing anything 4 this coming exam. =((
12:47:00 AM
Sunday, April 23, 2006
i really dunno if i've made the right choice. but.. i've decide. so.. should b alright. it's 141am now. i'm blank out. studied in the afternoon.
what i've decided, what's in my mind. i'm sure of it. but i dunno whether i can make it. i know i'm not smart. i knowi gotta work hard. i know i need 2 b discipline enough 2 tell myself,
YES or
NO. i know i should have earlier on. but dumb me. well, since i've made the move. shall not bother. though was stuck in the middle. but.. haiya, whatever. guess i didn't made the wrong choice, choose the wrong path. sometimes i really dun wish 2. but once again, well, look, i dunno how 2 express it. just feel that.. i'm 2 timid. i'm 2 "anything." but.. but.. haii. if i choose 2 b sturborn, i'm just looking 4 trouble. cos he's not going 2 b happy, with me, n her. he's going 2 scold her. shout at her. i know what's going 2 happen. i can't let it happen. if i didn't do it, me, myself going 2 b doom. i should plan. it's 4 my own gd. i can't let him influence me. no way!! what m i thinking. =\ dumbo dumbo XJ!!
gonna study now. shh..
it's late. n i'm tired. i can't find my smile, anymore. i can't fake a smile anymore. cos i'm tired.
>sorry, i just blurt everything out. cos i'm really confuse. i know i shouldn't have did it. but.. sorry. it's not her fault. cos i choose this path myself. she's not in the situation. i know U'll b mad at me if U know this. but.. i can explain 2 U, if U're willing 2 calm down n listen 2 me. just 4 once..
1:42:00 AM
Thursday, April 20, 2006
had been counting down. 7 more days 2.. EXAM!! woo. can feel the pressure. really. n i'm trying hard 2 calm myself down. bleahh, whatever.
was really sad yesterday. i got back lots of test results n i'm relaly upset with myself. how dumb can i go. exams r coming yet i still got back such results. what's inside me mann. 1stly, is math. well, it's a mock paper n i got not enough time 2 finish it. n careless mistakes here n there makes my marks lower n lower. well, how many more careless mistakes i can make in exam?? dumbo!! after that, chem. orhh mann. that's 10x worst than ever. actually i already know i'll get that kinda results. but i dunno why m i that upset. really downat that time. then not feeling well somw more. it's as if i dun even have the courage 2 stand n face any1 anymore. well well, what's wrong again?? it's not as if i din study. studied days earlier. n did my really best. people around me can not study n got 100x better than me. haha, i'm laughing at myself. how dumb can i go. what i can do now is really work my butt off. did chi 2day. chem 2moro. now wanna do my chi, chem n math. since no hmwk. n my poa. orhh gosh. i haven start humans!! what else arr.. orhh!! dnt. had done my folio but haven start planning my materials list. no exprience. hard 2 do 1. trying bahh. n my phy. really gotta study last yr topics. i dun trust myself. cos i got STM. chem also tested on sec 3 work. so dead lorr. do TYS!! ms toh nearly chop me off when i told her i fluncked my poa. then was praying that we'll do well 4 chi. did my listening compre yesterday. know my results. ermm, not bad. =) well, no big deal. it's only a listening compre. orhh!! i almost 4get eng. english arr. i try lahh. well, i'll read more words bahh. since i've been reading dic all along. so.. hopefully i can remember when time comes?! hope so yupp.
ahh!! sick 4 almost a week. BOO!! last fri till now. though cough was a bit better. but my flu is getting worst. thanks wendy 4 the jacket. thanks lots of people 4 the tissue. hahah. n ms toh 4 helping me 2 borrow tissue. hee. really need it. thanks thanks. n sorry 2 every1 who pass by me. cos i might spread the germs 2 U. so do take care every1. =)
yes, i'm worried about everything. haii. *MISSING.
8:43:00 PM
Monday, April 17, 2006
BOOM!! another weekend gone just like this. well, what have i done?! let me c.. other than going JEC n town?? have i really study?? i asked myself once again. orhh yahh. did revise on sat n sun night. guess that's not enough. had been influence. well, i'm not smart enough. so i must b hardworking. can't b distracted by others. XIAOJUN!!! waking myself up once again. cos people had been complaining that i'm always at my own dreamland. well well, i'm not. look at the BIG eyes i have. haha. what m i trying 2 say. bleahh. days passed just like this. mon was another boring day. lesson n lesson. problems pile up. n i had left problems aside. geog lesson was dry but i absorb. hadn't been revising geog. DEAD. mt lesson was like this all along. we did compo 2day. 3 periods doing compo. bleahh. though i took quite sometime 2 do it. at last i finished it n put it in ms toh's locker. =) orhh yahh, did i talk about my chi test score that i got back recently?? well, i dunno whether it's bad or just alright. maybe 4 ms toh, that's bad, cos she expect from me quite a lot. 4 others, maybe it's alright. ermm, what about me?? i seriously think that it's not very gd. well, did that test last mon after serenade. 2 say the truth, i didn't study at all. my fault not 2, but.. haii. hopefully i can do well with this few days of studying then. got back phy test paper 2day. well, i fluncked as usual. thought i was disappointed but i hang that smile on my face. well, failed by 2 marks. thought i could do better. but blame myself 4 not studying once again. haii.. dunno what i'm thinking. but 10 tests in 2 weeks. i cannot take it. 2 say the truth, i really can't. math test.. well, was disappointed as well, guess ms yeo was disappointed as well. but i'll study!!! it's not bcos of band that pull me down. it's me myself without self motivation. though most of the teachers felt that band had cause me 2 b this way, maybe partly is true but i can't accept it. cos i just feel that it's ME MYSELF didn't do well what. so i'll do well 2 prove them wrong. n those lamers who love 2 compare with me [which i hate it the most.], n i dunno why. dun understand why they wanna compare with me. n laughed at me when i did a bit poor n insist that i'm proud when i did a bit better. which i didn't even say a word all along. really can't understand people nowadays. bleahh. why should i bother?! i'm myself. as long i din disappoint myself, teachers n many. not bcos U wanna compete with me then i do well. who bothers!! well well. so what did i do 2day?! had lunch with yanjing n jinmin. though my cough n flu ain't getting any better but.. need 2 apologise those people around me. afraid i'll pass this sickness 2 them. well, BETTER NOT!! cos exam coming. 1 person sick is bad enough yupp. my flu is horrible. cos it's with blood. got nose bleed this morning. that's why my table is full of tissue with mucus n blood. YUCKS!! i'm digusted by myself. haha. took a nap this afternoon. i'm simply sick n tired. then woke up around 8 n had my dinner. i took my worksheets n books. i stepped in2 a.. wow~ a place with quiet environment. n it's soo cooling. without any 2nd thoughts, i spot a corner n settle down. haha. it's just my a study corner under my house building. lol. thought what?! did my work there around 1 hr n came back home as the lights went off i dunno why. haha. start 2 received lots of smses. well, actually my phone was quiet this whole afternoon. then chat on phone 4 a while. then dunno why suddenly hang. not my phone problem lorr. it's perfectly fine. but just dunno why. haha. orhh yahh, should catch some sleep already. it's not early. n my comp just got reformat by my bro. haii. AGAIN!! n my files all gone. arghh. =
haii haii haii. i'll try. well, it's very hard 4 me 2 do well. cos it had been long 4 me not doing well. but.. really dunno. i know i need 2 work hard. n practice all those stuffs in order 2 do well. i will. but i'm soo afraid i wun do well. cos.. yupp.. =( XIAOJUN will
WORK HARD.
11:59:00 PM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
SWISS SERENADE 2006. MISSION COMPLETED!! 09042006. =)09042006.i'll never 4get this day. well, i told every1 i'll cry. how much i'll miss the band. well, i surprise myself by not crying. is it bcos i've grown stronger?? or i dun love the band at all?? guess the main reason is, cos i really enjoy being in the band. yes, 2 tell the truth, i did thought if quitting. n i hate band when iwas in sec 1. cos seniors weren't understanding enough. luckily, i'm not daring enough 2 tell the majors at that time. so i tolerate. n now, thought of it, if seniors weren't strict, i wun bcome who i m now. right?? i wun b able 2 play my part well. i wun b able 2 have a chance 2 b the SL, the BM. though i'm stress out at times. 1stlt, was sad cos i can't b the SL. well, that doesn't matter 2 me slowly. cos SL or not, i still care 4 my section, i still took them sectionals whenever i'm free. being a BM, an overall. it's shocking. surprise myself, my seniors, my ex seniors, my juniors. orhh well, maybe more 2 my seniors. they just couldn't believe it. since i'm 1. i decide 2 carry on. few months of leading. at times i'm tired. leaders do quarrelled among themselves. just that the cadets dun know. n i was sick of it cos i'm in the middle n everytime i gotta take the responsible. n i did collaspe. guess twice. but i stand upright again n again. cos that's a promise, a challenge. or rather, i dun wanna c the band collaspe bcos of me, dun wanna c her down. told myself, no matter how rough the road is, i gotta finish walking. i didn't expect it 2 b soo fast though. i still can remember how i can scolded. how i got screamed. how i walked away when i'm stress out. how i cried. yes, all in my mind now. flashing through. how i calm mr chew down. how i scold my section.
i wanna say sorry 2 my section. 4 not being there with them always. always need them 2 help me with my file n instru. i wanna say sorry 2 those who think i'm lousy in leading. well, maybe i m. but i'd tried. i'm sorry if i didn't do a gd job. i wanna thank my section. 4 bringing me laughter. though they know i'll get the most scolding, they try their best. at times i feel that my section wasn't united. but when i c how we smile, holding each other, i know the unity is still there. i wanna thank mr chew, 4 bringing the band 2 greater heights. wanna thank the TICs, esp ms seah, who always care n concern. wanna thank the band, 4 making me stronger. thank the MSGs who work along with me. i wanna apologise so much, wanna thank so much. everything, every1.
time files. i had pass out. well, wun b there 2 scold the tbone, they should b glad then. but i can't let go. i'm still worried about every1 i care. esp the majors, my section n her. that room contain 2 much memories. n on serenade itself, i regret. regret not taking photos with many people. but i did not regret helping out carrying stuffs here n there though sec 3s majors dun allow me 2. cos that's my last time. being a majors, ordering people. so since it's the last day, i wanna help them in everything. at concert, i played my very best. handling instru, i carried as many as possible. hugging them, i make sure i hugged them tight. i didn't cry. i dunno why. just a few drops. when mr chew talked 2 us. i did felt my eyes filled with tears. but i didn't cry out like how i used 2 b 2 yrs ago. that's horrible. =x i walked pass her, wonder how can i work with her again. wonder how can i know how she feels again. maybe i shan't b soo worry. cos that's twt. but i'm just worried.
i didn't stop missing every single thing. 2day, rushed 2 bandroom after ss remediation. can say that i'm dumb?! marc even trying 2 stop me from going. but i can't. when i stepped in, felt soo diff. saw a few crying, missing their seniors. well, i dunno. i stood outside, reading the programme booklet. my very own band. memories really flash through. how much i said, i can't express my feelings. was standing outside band room, looking at the shoes, how can it b like last time?! a lot n messy. looking things around me, how will it b like few yrs down. looking at teachers passed by me. asking me 2 go home rest. actually planned 2. but i stayed. cos i'm worried, i miss everything. i can't let go.
hey hey!! i played bass drum 2day. hope i can still play next time round.
*shan't say anymore. i really feel like crying now. i dunno why. i can't smile. missing 2 much. okie okie, shall stop b4 i burst in2 tears.
XIAOJUN loves SWISS WINDS.
HER.
EVERYTHING.
11:37:00 PM
